was what i screamed in my head, and i'll never be able to find the words to express how disappointed i was in myself.
all those years learning chemistry, all the As and lab experiences, all out of the window in that instance as i stand in front of the dozens of teenagers sneering as i watch gibberish came out of my mouth.
how the fuck did i forget what vapour pressure was? i don't even fucking know.
all i remembered was how embarrassed i was and how angry i was in myself, and how much i wanted to bury myself at that cemetery that i grew up watching and staring at.
to call myself a chemist, and not know simple chemistry.
a fucking conman, that's what i am.
i could blame it on a bad week; i was upset that some students seemed like they'd never entered class and not have a clue on what was going on in the exercises, i didn't get enough sleep, i was tired, i had a lot to do, blah blah blah.
still, how the fuck did i forget what vapour fucking pressure was.
what a bloody idiot.
a joke.
that night i cried a little, being disappointed at myself.
the next day i still feel horrible about the mishap, so despite the fact that another group of students continued being a disappointment, i didn't get upset. because i was too busy being upset with myself. my disappointment with my own failure will always triumph over whatever disappointment i have in other things.
i had more to say too, but then i let my anger slowly die off by procrastinating on writing this. so i failed as a blogger as well. i procrastinate away my thoughts, i procrastinate away my life, that's how i am.
but i supposed that triggered me to work harder, because i'd since completed no less than four past year papers in one sitting, thereby putting myself ahead of schedule by one whole week before the weekend started. so that's a silver lining i suppose.
then the weekend came and went, like it's never been here to begin with. just like every single weekend there ever was.
and then tomorrow starts a brand new week.
and all i hope for myself to do is to not embarrass myself anymore.
because i can't possibly hate myself even more than i already am.
