jagun gobaek

random title...
was listening to this song...then addicted to it for a short while...
anyway,there were about 5ants disturbing me and my zone...had trouble studying...
then i started to rub my eyes..my face...(happens everytime i'm stressed)
so i talked to them,using meta (heh.) and downed the whole packet of Nips...da BIG packet...
that calmed me down...
now the ants are gone...
God knows what brought them here...i'm pretty sure i kept my table clean...
well,at least i didn't kill any of them...*pats on the back*
am entering the 5th hour of listening to my mp3...
the maximum limit of using earphones according to researches? 1.5hour.
right..so i'm going deaf...
*****
i can't stand the weather...
it's always too hot...or cloudy without a single drop of rain.
what is this????
if this goes on i may just shave off my hair...
it's too hot here!
.
yesterday,at the Children fiesta booth, a nice Han Chiang girl asked me
'(in mandarin) you're local right?'
why...do i look like i don't belong here?
sometimes i like to think that i DON'T belong here...not in Malaysia..
with such shitty weather!
*****
'when i was younger i saw,
my daddy cry
and cursed at the wind.
he broke his own heart and i watch
as he tries to reassemble it.
and my momma swore that she would
never let herself forget.
and that was the day that i promised,
i'd never sing of love,
if it does not exist.'-'The Only Exception',Paramore.
.
love songs are always nice,are they not?
once i saw on tv,some music award event,
someone said,'over 90% of the songs produced in this world are love songs'
.
i like to think that those who write music likes to love,
and those who likes listening to music likes to be loved.
in return,music listeners love the musician.
a cycle.
.
i find myself,unable to express 'love' to certain things...
to love something means to be passionate about something,to me,at least..
i love music...
i love dogs...
i love chocolates, ice-cream, yoghurt.
i love to write.draw.
the only thing i can't get myself to 'love',are humans...
don't get me wrong...it's not like i hate people...
it's like this,let's take my family for example..
they are very dear to me...important.
between life,money,career and family.
family would come first for me.
but i can't say 'i love my family'...
i don't know why,but i just can't get myself to say it...
.
when we say we love someone, what exactly do we mean?
.
i can't see it, this feeling...
can't touch it
can't hear it.
call me shallow
but when do we know when it's here or when it's gone?
.
people these days,
the go on relationships and off in a snap of the fingers.
i love you today
i don't tomorow.
so what exactly do we mean when we say,'i love you'?
how authentic are our words and feelings towards another person?
how committed are we to stay with this one particular individual?
how long can this so called 'love' last?
.
some may say
loving a person is part of life
you may not have a happy ending together,
but you'll still have this period of time
when you're special to each other.
.
special...
how special is 'special'...
going places together
sharing thoughts and secrets
those lovey-dovey words
when i come to think about it,
you can pretty much do all that with your friends...
especially when you're from an all girls' school like myself...
perhaps it's a new thing for guys,but not for girls...
heck, we're even suppose to go to the toilets together..
talk about going to places together...
.
we all have different ideas when talking about this..
some say,
love is having a shoulder to lean on when you're in trouble.
love is,waking up and finding yourself living in this beautiful world and having someone to share it with.
love is,having an awful day,being scolded by your boss,coming back home and find your beautiful wife happy to see you home and know that your children had a great day in school.
love is,to have a hand to hold on to till the day you die.
love is, when you're 80,sitting on a bench over-looking the lake,turned to your side,and smiled at the old man who you had been sitting on this very bench with for decades,and he smiled back at you.
.
well it may be different for me...
since i'm too selfish of a person,
to me,
love is, knowing that he's living a better,happier life,with or without me in it.
.
i don't like to commit to things i cannot control..
a human,i cannot control.
.
i don't want to have to worry,
let my guards down,
feel sad,
rely
on something that i cannot own completely.
.
you know how painful your heart gets
when someone you love got hurt...
and you know that,
no matter what you do,
the pain he/she feels doesn't go away
even when they say 'i feel better because you're here'
'cause you know it's bullshit.
as sweet as it may be, you can't always stick yourself to him/her and take care of him/her until the situation gets better.
.
you always have this confidence and trust in this person that you love.
but how confident and how much trust can you put in this person..
considering the fact that we aren't the most honest species in the world.
*****
headache.