back again

i thought i'd deleted you.

i didn't.

i'm glad.

I have this feeling at the back of my head,

That I was never meant to be happy.

Even if there is an inkling of happiness I forced out to myself,

A wave of darkness would sweep past it a moment later.

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I tried.

I tried very hard, for so many times.

But I just couldn't be happy.

I can't even trick myself into believing at my life is a happy one.

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Sometimes I try to make people change to make me happy,

Sometimes I try to please others to see if I could be happier.

But nothing works.

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I simply, can't be happy.

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Now I just feel like I should leave everybody alone,

'Cause everyone else seemed to be living except for me.

And I feel like I'm becoming more like a burden by staying in their lives.

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If I can't make anyone happy,

If my unhappiness caused pain to others,

Then I don't deserve to have anyone,

To be with anyone at all.

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Maybe I should just let go..

i feel nervous whenever it's time to eat.
so i tend to finish my food faster.
that's a problem.
i should fix it before my stomach malfunctions.
i don't know how. :s

last saturday i stalked a little girl 'cause she's too cute...and she realized that i was stalking her, which made her even cuter than too cute.

When times are hard

I'd tell myself:
Close your eyes,
Lie down,
Empty your mind,
And try to float off to somewhere else for a few hours.
Even if the problem doesn't go away,
At least you'll have a little more time to feel a little less in pain.

hello ^^

i wish i could say,"long time no see~"...
but i can't see you, only you can see, well, kind of, er...me.
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so i've been gone for a while,
been here and there these days...
changed something, updated some stuff...
.....nothing much really XP
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i did have some new questions that i've been thinking about,
based on the changes that i've been going through.
(those who knows me personally would know what kind of changes i'm talking about...)
but anyway.
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there are some things that i've realized about myself,
something that i never knew i was, until now.
....and i will cut the crap and tell you now. O_O
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you know the time when you were young,
when you think about your future, and the 'what if's.
you think about things you're gonna do,
words you're gonna say,
places you're gonna go,
people you're gonna meet...
well, how often do we actually do what we planned for ourselves?
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for me...i think i live a double life,
one in my head, the other in the real world.
one fantasy, the other reality.
kind of like alice in wonderland.......sort of.
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i realized that i'm not as open-minded and easy-going as i thought.
and it made me feel kind of bad, not for myself though,
but for something, or someone else.
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hmm.
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another thing i thought about,
is how, and what am i going to blog about from now on...
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if i have an opinion,
do i talk to someone, now that i have one...
or do i blog....
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i can't do both, God knows how much i hate repetitions..
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if i blog about something personal,
will that be okay?
if i don't blog about something personal,
wouldn't that indirectly affects my freedom of speech (er...ya freedom of speech.)?
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and i can't camwhore all the time +_+
my blog is not a photo album of my vain self...
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so many things to think about...
will figure that out before my next entry...

i don't know how did i end up finding videos like this, but i like it.

equality, what equality?

Case:
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girl A,
hangs out with girl B,
sit next to girl B in class,
talks on the phone with girl B,
SMS girl B.
=>nobody gives a s***.
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girl A,
occasionally says 'hi' to guy C,
SMS guy C.
=>rumors start.
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where's the logic in this?

pictures

show you something cute:

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tadaa!

 taken before cny..during study/exam week...the time i suddenly feel like spring cleaning rather than studying...

she wouldn't leave me alone to clean in peace, so into the laundry basket she goes!
then i brought her up and down the stairs (in the basket with my toys)

CCCUUUTTTEEE DDDAAAAOOOOO!!!!! XDDDDD

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january's edition of time magazine:

lionel messi~

personally, i don't watch football(or any kind of sports), i just like to stare at his face :P

i think that argentina(should be argentina,right?where people are not so fond of him despite his amazing talents) should give him a break...

it's football. 

not nuclear war.

seriously man.

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so the sun is shining very brightly today...and my camera(s) are working fine...

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= camwhore.

                                                   

         

 

Happy Birthday (in advance) Daph!!!!!

OMG!

I've figured it out!!!!!!
(you don't know what's going, i know, but it's something private, don't see the need to discuss it here)
happy KL is back.
*evil laugh*

evil

insomnia moved back into my life.
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it's been about two weeks now, staying (helplessly) up till 2 in the morning,
thinking about stuff.
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i thought about how even a short break can have a long term effect on a person.
how i lost passion for music and arts...and reading..
sometimes i'd even got sick of watching tv..
all day long my mind stays empty, my eyes quietly scan through the house.
i guess it's safe to say that i'm unmotivated.
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some nights i got so frustrated and depressed,
my dark past comes pouring out from my secret chest i've buried deep into my brain,
those times that made me disappointed in myself,
all the bad memories of separation and pain,
everything came out, suddenly flooding and choking me.
i've had one of my many bandanas stand-by beside my bed,
should i have another emotional breakdown.
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i'd even thought about everyone around me.
i realized that if, for any reason, i had to leave anyone and go off somewhere,
i would be okay,
because i realized that the fact is, i hold no one and nothing in my heart.
unfortunate, but true,
if i had to give up everything, right at this point of my life, right at this moment,
i would still be fine.
i felt that i have nothing to lose.
the only thing that i would miss though, are my dogs.
i realize that no one in this world is ever completely genuine, not even myself,
everyone is wretched and messed-up to a certain point.
and it made me think that maybe it's better if humans never exist,
and the world is filled with no other than animals to roam the land.
no lies, no drama, no history.
because animals live in the moment,
they don't keep their past in their heads,
and they don't have the ability to make up fake stories and pretend to be somebody different.
unlike us.
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then i tell myself,'shame on you, for feeling ashamed of who you are.'
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i know for sure that i will grow old,
and did everything i wanted to do in life,
and live as a fairly contented woman.
but i know that i will always have one regret,
i will regret for not pushing myself hard enough to open up and reach out for anyone.
and by spending my remaining hours in my aging body i will regret for the solitude i've given to myself.
because i see more bad than good in people,
i will always regret for not being able to trust anyone.
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i'm gonna be honest here,
i don't see myself as a good person,
nor do i see much goodness in any other person in this world i've lived to see.
when i die, there's a big chance i will burn in hell.
and when that happens, there may be a chance that i will take back the words i've said and the thoughts i've thought of.
but till then i'm deluded, and i know for sure that i'll suffer in the unnecesary pain i'm inflicting on myself.

vlogbrothers!

this is sooo sweet.

happy new year

i think i just gave up studying.

aaaahh!!! *hysterical laughing*

I've always like Mike Rowe. he never disappoints.

let's be sentimental today...

hello.

i went to the library today, during my free period.

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i thought about rules.

ever wondered why are we so obedient civilised?

why are we so much more different than animals...

besides the 1% of our brain being wired differently than them.

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yes, 

we're taught to follow a certain list of dos and don'ts when we encounter some situations in our daily lives.

but not all rules, we obey and follow.

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so how did we decide which are relevant and which are otherwise?

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beyond these walls,

students, staff, cleaners, and visitors hustle and bustle away...

chasing after time, after work, after tests, after assignments.

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it's strange,

how all these tension and noise could be separated from tranquility by a mere piece of glass ( and metals and cement)

it made me feel like i'm in a different world altogether, suddenly introduced to such a quiet place,

without people pacing across the hallway every second, afraid that they'll be late to whatever that they're heading for.

without people shouting, giggling, rambling loudly.

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nothing.

i could hear myself think, and it's like nothing i've felt before.

i'm always alone (physically) at home, yet, i've never experienced myself being this conscious about my surrounding, and is actually aware enough to observe everything around me.

maybe i wasn't the only one feeling this way,

in fact, maybe, all of us have experienced and liked such peacefulness that we've unconsciously made a promise to each other to respect the silence of this sanctuary we nonchalantly called the Library.

the same goes to mosques, temples, kuils, churches and other religious buildings...
it's the serenity that it gives us...
and we return its good deed by respecting the building, even if it's nothing more than a structure made up of ceramic, and dyes.
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every few minutes i'd look up,
feeling grateful that everything i've seen in the past few moment,
stayed the same, positions unchanged.
everything stood still.
stationary.
occasionally i'd look out the window,
and imagine the warmth from the sun's rays on my skin, while my body rests under the cool air from the air conditioning.
and it made me feel calm and good about myself.

i have a feeling that i'll be stopping by the library a lot more often.

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