"wow. you don't even know what vapour pressure means,"

was what i screamed in my head, and i'll never be able to find the words to express how disappointed i was in myself.

all those years learning chemistry, all the As and lab experiences, all out of the window in that instance as i stand in front of the dozens of teenagers sneering as i watch gibberish came out of my mouth.

how the fuck did i forget what vapour pressure was? i don't even fucking know.

all i remembered was how embarrassed i was and how angry i was in myself, and how much i wanted to bury myself at that cemetery that i grew up watching and staring at.

to call myself a chemist, and not know simple chemistry.

a fucking conman, that's what i am.

i could blame it on a bad week; i was upset that some students seemed like they'd never entered class and not have a clue on what was going on in the exercises, i didn't get enough sleep, i was tired, i had a lot to do, blah blah blah.

still, how the fuck did i forget what vapour fucking pressure was.

what a bloody idiot.

a joke.

that night i cried a little, being disappointed at myself.

the next day i still feel horrible about the mishap, so despite the fact that another group of students continued being a disappointment, i didn't get upset. because i was too busy being upset with myself. my disappointment with my own failure will always triumph over whatever disappointment i have in other things.

i had more to say too, but then i let my anger slowly die off by procrastinating on writing this. so i failed as a blogger as well. i procrastinate away my thoughts, i procrastinate away my life, that's how i am.

but i supposed that triggered me to work harder, because i'd since completed no less than four past year papers in one sitting, thereby putting myself ahead of schedule by one whole week before the weekend started. so that's a silver lining i suppose.

then the weekend came and went, like it's never been here to begin with. just like every single weekend there ever was.

and then tomorrow starts a brand new week.

and all i hope for myself to do is to not embarrass myself anymore.

because i can't possibly hate myself even more than i already am.

while you sleep.

we can't always be the ideal person we wish we could be,
nor the perfect person others think we can be.
we can, though, be ourselves.
and hope for someone to realize the good things that we possess,
and embrace the dark side we never showed to anyone.
one.
.
we can pick and choose all we want,
judge everyone all we like.
fantasize about that perfect person we would end up being with in the future.
but do we remind ourselves of the limits of reality has to offer?
do we reflect upon ourselves, and where do we stand in this judgmental society?
we judge, but do we know we're judged.
we label, but do we realized we're labelled.
are we that great of a person to deserve the one we imagined we'd be with?
is the one we'd imagined, what we really want for a companion?
two.
.
it's about two individuals,
yet there are friends and family around.
then there is school, activities, career, and our lives' plans.
in the midst of all that we might forget how and why did we end up there in the first place.
we're always planning ahead, always forgetting to live in the present.
standing so close to the edge, just to live for one more day,
because we don't know what life has to offer us tomorrow,
i guess that's what being human is all about.
one thing's for sure though, we're not in it alone.
three.
.
.
i remember one good friend of mine,
she told me,'khawlin, somehow i can't imagine you being with someone.'
it was something so unusual to hear that it's stuck in my head for 3years now.
at some point of my life i'd even believed that statement,
and opted for a life in solitude.
.
there were guys that came...and gone..
flirtations, and late-night talks...
.
then there are those weird ones that scared the living hell out of me.
O.O
.
but then, there came you.
.
i admire your nonchalance to the things i thought and tried hard to conquer.
i like how understanding and dependable you are.
i appreciate the fact that you gave me space.
and i adore how patient you are, settling into my hectic, yet mundane life.
'respect you mah~', you said.
impressed, i am.
and i applaud you for that.
.
i love how diverse our backgrounds are.
how different our childhoods are.
how contrasting our schooling days are.
so different, yet compatible.
makes me wonder how life can be so magical sometimes.
.
i love your smile,
i love your hug.
i love the way you look at me,
even if sometimes your staring makes me feel awkward. :s
i love the way you hold my hand,
and how well they fit together.
so comfortable and secure,
makes me wanna stay like that forever.
.
i'm glad that everyone is happy for us,
your friends and mine,
your family and mine.
for what is a healthy relationship,
if it doesn't get everyone's blessing?
.
i don't know how our road will be,
nor do i dare to make a prediction.
but i know this, and i'm very certain about it.
you make me want to cherish the times i have with you,
to live in the present, grab the moments i could've missed out before it's gone,
and put it in my memory, under your name.
i wake up happy and looking forward to my day, everyday,
because of you.
thus,
there's really only three words in my mind to sum up what i really want to say,
but i guess you've already figured out what they are.
.
p.s:
i don't know if you're reading this or not,
but if you're not, then it's your loss~
'cause you'll never make me repeat all those things i've said above~
yes.
i'm romantic like that :P