throwback - Oct 10, 2012: hello doctors.

i tend to keep my doors open for too long,
give too many chances,
tolerate too much.
that's how i've degraded myself, i guess.
because that's how the living world is:
everybody wants something that they can't have,
nobody wants anything that is easily obtained.
.
and when i've had enough,
shut my door, stop giving second chances,
giving back the shit i've been handed,
apologies started.
"i'm sorry"..."i won't do it again, promise."
.
am i suppose to believe those words?
after all, words are nothing but a moment's worth of information,
easily lost once you've missed it.
no use hanging on to it by yourself if others don't remember it.
.
i'm human too.
i want tolerance, respect, to be trusted, appreciated and understood as well.
since when have i lost my rights for those?
do i have a rubber-stamping of the word "slave" on my forehead or something?
.
oh wait.
i guess i do.
as a matter of fact i've never been trusted by anyone since young.
so it's logical for me to feel not-trusted by anyone, ever.
considering the fact that i don't know how it feels like to be confident about myself.
.
i feel that the only person in this world that appreciates me is myself,
only because if i don't, i would've ended my life long time ago.
.
slitting my wrist,
jumping off from a high-rise building,
i've thought about it all during my free time, or when i day-dream in class.
.
but i'm fine, really.
i just have masochist thoughts about myself once or twice every week.
it's my way of dealing with my problems. fantasize.
makes me wonder how worthless i am alive, and dead.
.
i could've penned this down in my diary, and no one would've seen this,
but i finally decided to post it here,
let's say someday i DID succumbed to the thrill of suicides,
someone might've noticed this.
or maybe someone might've seen this today, or tomorrow, or the next month,
and realized that there's something that is psychologically wrong with me,
and let me know so i could seek professional help.
.
because i can never tell reality from my fantasies.
plus, no one around me has ever questioned my mental health anyway.
so i'm kind of relying on the virtual world as my doctor, in a weird, twisted way.
.
.
.
.
2019 me: *reads 2010 me's writing that somehow wasn't published*
it's strange how much i can still relate to my old self. of course, i've move past the suicide thoughts.
i guess that's some progress, at least.

throwback - Dec 18, 2018

“you believe everything your parents said, especially at a young age, and when they go like, ‘yeah this is it, this is how it’s supposed to be’ and then you realized that that is not true, and you’re like, ‘why would you say that?’” - brandon calvillo

“...they were 20 something one time, they had to learn life too, like, nobody taught them the ropes. we look at them like they know everything, but they don’t.” - kristen mcatee

i get obsessed with things. ‘obsessed’ is probably a very strong word i suppose, i guess i should say i become very focused on one thing at a time. today i binge-watched this youtube channel, brandon calvillo. it’s one of the channels which i’d subscribed to for a while now because the content looks interesting, but never got to watching any of them until today, because reasons.

watching these videos got me thinking.

sometimes i wish there is an actual rewind button for life, and that i have the button. because life would’ve been so different if i could do and undo some of the things in my life.

if i have a rewind button, i’d go back and tell myself that i will eventually grow up, and be able to afford the things i wanted for myself. i’d tell myself to wait for a little longer, wait until i’m a little older, hand on until i can word things better so i can put them all into a book. because i have so much i’d like to say, but no voice to say it, and no one to listen to me. because who would listen to a child like me, who never excelled at anything at school, who never stood out. i’d tell myself to have a little more patience, because life will get a little better when i’m a little older.

if i have a rewind button, i’d tell my adult self to not trust in doctors who could not treat illnesses. i’d tell myself that these titles and ranks, do not mean anything except the fact that many of these people wrote a book that nobody will ever read on topics even that they themselves might not even care about, just to one-up anyone they could in the societal pyramid. i’d tell myself to not be intimidated by them, and have more trust in myself instead, and be proud of my own achievements no matter how miniscule it looks on paper. because the best lessons in life don’t necessarily need to be put down in words and bound in a book, that nobody will ever read. sometimes the best and most important notes on life are taught to you behind the closed doors of a laboratory, where you hid in a corner and slave your hours and days away on experiments that people do not really care about and would probably laugh if they knew what you were doing with your life instead of helping to change the world and cure cancer.

if i have a rewind button, i’d tell my teenage self to continue blending in with the crowd. being in the spotlight isn’t always a good thing. don’t doubt the potential the teachers see in myself, but don’t give in to their confidence in me, because it’s better to stay in the background and live life peacefully, rather than taking on challenges, braving storms, just to be granted false friendship and insincere support. i’d tell myself that watching my back is good enough, and that i don’t have to have everyone else’s back when they were never going to have mine; not then, obviously not now, and not ever. i’d save myself from losing faith in friendship and teamwork. perhaps i might even be more social than i am now.

if i have a rewind button, i would tell my kid self that yes, life wasn’t the most pleasant. i would tell myself that what i’d felt so very often in my childish days was in fact jealousy, and all that jealousy stemmed from myself not being ready to share. and i’d tell myself that it is okay to feel this way, and it was not easy sharing things for the first time, and that i will eventually grow up and be able to have my own space, my own things, where i don’t have to share anymore. i’d tell myself that yes, toys will get broken, and it will mostly be my fault even when it wasn’t, and i will be punished even when i was good. I will tell myself that i was never, ever a rotten apple, and that any parent would love to have me as their child. and i’d hold my little kid self, hug her tight and let my chest be soaked with her tears while i coaxed her back out from that little hole she’d dug for herself to hide from the world. i’d bury that hole, so it doesn’t deepen over time. i’d tell her to not give in to peer pressure, to be braver and ask for permission when she wanted cute little things and little mystery novels the book shop sold in school, that my parents would understand why i wanted them, and i didn’t have to steal to buy them and hid them and read them in secret. i’d probably would not have the scars i have today, if i knew then what these little incidents would lead to. i’d probably be a completely different person today, if i tweaked that small portion of my life almost two decades ago.

if i have the rewind button, i’d go back to every single time i had doubted them, and told my younger selves that they are but human, and i will always be the guinea pig, the test subject. i will tell myself that they are learning everyday too, watching what i did, and reacting to my actions, and correcting themselves so they don’t hurt others. i will tell myself that they do feel bad when they did something wrong, and even when they couldn’t bring themselves to apologize, i should forgive them, because their flaws are not burdens that i should shoulder. i will continue to embrace myself through all the times my world crashes down, and help myself rebuild it one brick at a time. i’d tell myself that even though i have their blood, i have their traits, and i have their temper, i will never be them, because the fact is i am not them; it is impossible. i’d tell myself to be stronger, to love myself more, and be brave enough to leave when i needed to.

i would tell myself to do well despite it all, and maybe, just maybe, they might be proud of me one day.

Everything feels wrong today.

The weather's wrong,

The water's wrong,

The food's wrong,

The work I did felt wrong.

.

I have two assignments to hand in,

My Fyp report to finalize and bind,

And a test to sit for,

All in the coming week.

.

Dont feel good,

Dont feel like eating,

Don't want to study today,

'Cause I feel like shit.

Growing up? Totally sucks.

In another 5 months I shall be calling myself a Master/PhD in chemistry to-be.
Needless to say I'd so much rather be a doctor, than a master.
BUT I AM EFFIN' 0.07 AWAY FROM THAT TITLE AND IT'S ALREADY MY LAST SEMESTER!
f**kin' dammit prof.S*******.
Good job in giving me that C.
Swear to Buddha. Of the few Cs I used to get in high school,
This one stings the most.
.
Do you know,
The difference in salary between being an R.A(research assistant) as a phd student,
And being an R.A. as a masters student,
Is approximately rm1k.
Mind you, master students make less than rm1k to begin with.
Usually.

.
Post grad fees: rm2+k...monthly? Per semester?
Do postgrads pay their fees in semesters?
I don't know.
All I know is I'm in some very stinking deep s**t
The moment I receive my degree.
Studying will make me lose money in my already running-low-on-cash bank account.
.
Shit.
.
F**kin' shit.
.
Which makes me think,
Boy, if school fees are only gonna increase from now on,
I'll have to save up a fortune just in case my kid is so incredibly "dim" that I'll have to send him to private institutions to get him a degree.
Then I have to buy some really good stocks that would earn me a lot of cash to help pay for his postgrads.
.
Shit.
.
I will never get to retire young and go live in the mountains with my badass terminator terrier.
.
Shit.
.
I might have to live with my parents till the apocalypse.
.
Shit.
.
I should've taken up Arts courses and graduate and be a freakin' tattoo artist instead.
Why the hell did I chose chemistry!?
Dammit.

Merry Christmas

I tend to be extra negative on the happiest days of the year.
I must be the mood-trash can of the planet or something,
Because I almost always feel extra moody when I should be celebrating/excited for something.
This moodiness then urged me to make a list of things that pissed me off.
How ironic, right?
Here I am, making a "pissed" list when I should've made a Wish list.
.
1) to those Facebook newsfeed hoggers, damn you. I know you're studying 24/7 and your damn fucking bored from all that hard work. You don't have to post a new status every freakin' 15minutes. It fucks up my peaceful newsfeed page and made me feel fucking awful for enjoying my Christmas holiday. And news flash, NOBODY CARES IF YOU'VE FINISHED STUDYING OR NOT. Stfu.
.
2) I am in a relationship, I have a boyfriend. Yes. But I do not intend to stick to him every second of every day. Wtf happened to all my outings and events invitations? Am I suddenly too uncool to be hanging out with, or nobody ever wanted to hang out with me and has been waiting for me to be "girlfriended" so everyone can ditch me and go off having fun themselves? Fmfl.
.
3) I hate how people don't seem to learn from their mistakes. And I hate how obvious it is for me to detect all sorts of dumb things people do. But I'd have to actually put my hands into that hot mess to solve it, which would make me the busiest bitchiest mother fucker in the lot, and I hate that too. So I decided that I'll just shut the hell up and watch from the sidelines.

is this, how real life is like.

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off....
.
i can't help but notice how unforgiving people can become when something important is involved.
myself included in "people".
.
some go around complaining to everyone,
instead of doing it right in front of whoever that she/he's pissed about.
some explodes,
splashing all the debris of madness and anger all around the room.
doesn't matter if Buddha walks up to you, he would still be showered with your lashings.
some keeps quiet,
kept every scrap of dissatisfaction balled up in her/his heart.
and slowly dies inside, all alone.
.
i openly admit that i'm no better than anyone that i've encountered (and been annoyed with) in my life.
in fact, i'm worse.
i am stubborn,
i have a strong sense of self-righteousness,
i have a short temper,
my speech filter sometimes malfunctions,
i dwell in the unknown satisfaction of gossiping,
and sometimes when i'm so far off the edge, i'd stop being cooperative.
i'm so fucked up pissed with you.
so you don't deserve my attention, care, and help.
that's what i think.
.
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style
.
i used to be more mellow,
more helpful.
but then one day i've come to realized that was i thought was "being helpful"
keeps turning out to be "over-taking other's responsibility",
or "too hardworking".
well they weren't doing things right,
and i know for a fact that if you want anything to be done right at all, you have to do it yourself.
but i realized that doing too much doesn't always turns out to be fine and dandy.
grades will always be equalized, your hard-work and commitment will always be belittled.
and i'm sick of being under-appreciated.
i'm not noble, i'm not a saint, nor a knight, nor Mother Theresa.
i lived in the shadows almost all my life,
working my butt off but no one ever really realized my contribution.
.
they say, "wow, you're doing so much, thank you hah..", and went on with their lives.
.
it's the kind of emptiness that you feel after trying to do something nice for others,
only to be nonchalantly acknowledged,
then pushed aside to make way for life and other useless things.
.
it's the kind of emptiness that one day just make you say,"enough. i'm not doing anymore pro-bono work.
i'd rather die doing only my part than barely stay afloat doing everything and support everyone who doesn't even know that i'm alive."
.
people will judge, haters will hate.
nothing is equal and right in this world,
but one thing is straight.
we all die.
eventually, if not today.
.
i want to live my life with as minimal regrets as i can get.
i'm not an animal, nor a slave, so i don't live to serve.
i'm not an entertainer, nor a politician, so don't lived to be well-liked either.
.
on the contrary, being mean has it's benefits.
benefits only i know, and not to tell all you nice people of the world.
you're probably too nice to deserve them anyway.
well, sucks for you.
.
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
-"Some nights",by Fun.

of egos and assholes.

It takes a big person to be a truly successful human being.-TKL
.
yes i like to quote myself.
.
.
sometimes i wonder why is it so rare to find very successful + famous malaysian,
you know, to boost our country's popularity,
"mengharumkan nama negara"...so to speak..
there's Dato' Michelle Yeoh....Lee Chong Wei...and then..............
.....
so anyway,
just when i was wondering why is there so little good, famous fellow rakyats we have here,
i came across someone who's not extremely successful,
but has his own little innovative(-ish) product,
probably getting somewhere in his career,
with an ultra-big ego and a horrible attitude.
.
then i understand.
it's not like we don't have talented, innovative people...
it's just that those who are getting there,
somehow couldn't really reach the top...
probably because of the shitty personality they possess.
.
it's one thing being good at what you do,
it's another to be a straight-up good person.
i think the latter is more important than the first.
what good does talent bring you when the whole world thinks that you're an ass?
.
i'd rather have a nation filled with good-natured, helpful, kind, honest and hardworking citizens,
than the whole country of lazy slowpokes and a couple of talented bastards that find pleasure in making other people's lives a living hell.
.
that's one thing that i've realised over these couple of days.
.
.
the second thing that i thought about is how my generation of youngsters is the boundary generation.
boundary for what you ask?
well...boundary of respect, and common sense..
in my days,
children respect their elders,
juniors respect their seniors.
this seems to have diminished in the minds of young people today.
don't even bother comparing between those born in the 80's to the 90's to the Y2K babies.
it's already obvious (so obvious it's blinding) between those of my age, and those who are 1-2years younger than us.
.
it kind of made me feel...insignificant+useless+bad+sad+frustrated.
i grew up respecting my seniors.
nodding at them, then looking down at the ground as we pass each other in the hallway,
sometimes don't even dare to pass in front of them.
giving them the privilege to make decisions before i do.
and if i'd ever need anything i'd ask them as early as i can,
worrying that i may be a nuisance if i asked at the last minute/ wait for them to ask me what i need.
but when it comes the time for me to be the senior,
i realized that i was repeating all the same behavior, TOWARDS juniors.
i respected my seniors, but no one's gonna respect me in return?
what is up with that?!
sure, i'm pissed.
but they don't seem to get the point.
like, wtf.
.
it's a very complicated feeling to put into words.
if i were to complain,
i'll need to start all the way from the beginning,
and might have to teach them the proper way to respect their elders on the way.
that would be too tiring.
fuck that.
fuck all of that.
i'm graduating next year.
i'll let the karma solve it for me.

evil

insomnia moved back into my life.
.
it's been about two weeks now, staying (helplessly) up till 2 in the morning,
thinking about stuff.
.
i thought about how even a short break can have a long term effect on a person.
how i lost passion for music and arts...and reading..
sometimes i'd even got sick of watching tv..
all day long my mind stays empty, my eyes quietly scan through the house.
i guess it's safe to say that i'm unmotivated.
.
some nights i got so frustrated and depressed,
my dark past comes pouring out from my secret chest i've buried deep into my brain,
those times that made me disappointed in myself,
all the bad memories of separation and pain,
everything came out, suddenly flooding and choking me.
i've had one of my many bandanas stand-by beside my bed,
should i have another emotional breakdown.
.
i'd even thought about everyone around me.
i realized that if, for any reason, i had to leave anyone and go off somewhere,
i would be okay,
because i realized that the fact is, i hold no one and nothing in my heart.
unfortunate, but true,
if i had to give up everything, right at this point of my life, right at this moment,
i would still be fine.
i felt that i have nothing to lose.
the only thing that i would miss though, are my dogs.
i realize that no one in this world is ever completely genuine, not even myself,
everyone is wretched and messed-up to a certain point.
and it made me think that maybe it's better if humans never exist,
and the world is filled with no other than animals to roam the land.
no lies, no drama, no history.
because animals live in the moment,
they don't keep their past in their heads,
and they don't have the ability to make up fake stories and pretend to be somebody different.
unlike us.
.
then i tell myself,'shame on you, for feeling ashamed of who you are.'
.
i know for sure that i will grow old,
and did everything i wanted to do in life,
and live as a fairly contented woman.
but i know that i will always have one regret,
i will regret for not pushing myself hard enough to open up and reach out for anyone.
and by spending my remaining hours in my aging body i will regret for the solitude i've given to myself.
because i see more bad than good in people,
i will always regret for not being able to trust anyone.
.
i'm gonna be honest here,
i don't see myself as a good person,
nor do i see much goodness in any other person in this world i've lived to see.
when i die, there's a big chance i will burn in hell.
and when that happens, there may be a chance that i will take back the words i've said and the thoughts i've thought of.
but till then i'm deluded, and i know for sure that i'll suffer in the unnecesary pain i'm inflicting on myself.

i need to go on hiatus.

it's not like i don't want to study anymore.
i just feel unmotivated...
i feel like i don't know why am i here.
.
thinking about school makes me nauseous.
i literally have this tingle at the back of my mouth,
the kind that makes you gag.
.
i know it's the exam week,
and i'm suppose to put aside all distractions and focus on getting my facts right,
but i can't.
no matter how many times i flipped through the textbooks, the exercises and my notebook,
my brain goes blank everytime i tried to refresh my memory on what have i revised.
.
everytime i open my book i started to look at the time.
"15minutes.....
30minutes.......
45minutes.....
i need a break. will be back in 1hour."
but i was never back in my room after that 1hour break.
this is how i've spent my days during study week AND exam week.
.
my mind is flooded by the things i want to do when the exams ended.
the novels i want to read,
the places i want to go,
the people i want to meet,
the things i want to learn.
the consequences of my current behaviour on my grades wasn't even the last thing that pops up in my head.
.
i guess i haven't failed anything in such a long time that i've somehow convinced myself
that no matter how badly i'll do in my papers, i can never fail.
so i let myself rot.
.
honest to Buddha,
i don't want to study right now.
.
i think, i'm going to let go of my grades this semester
and don't stress myself so much.
everybody needs to fail and take a break once in a while...
.
i need something,
a sign.
something that guides me back to who i was.
i need to reboot and rediscover myself.

AGONNNNNNNNY! +.+

when iPhone 4S came out:

i didn't care.

.

when Galaxy S2 came out:

i was shaken for a bit, but got over it.

.

when i go to school and see practically everyone 'fondling' with their androids:

i feel a bit of the pull, pull towards getting one for myself.

but my willpower was strong.

i could live through the temptation.

.

then Dr.Dre came into the picture and introduces Beats Audio:

my self-control was SLAUGHTERED.

EXPLODED INTO SMITHEREENS!!

ANNIHILATED INTO OBLIVION!!!

i will wait for you.........punya price to drop.

FASTER DROP!

DROP!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
DROP!!!!!!!

i am a CHEMIST. not an ARTIST.

all my life i've been good, but now,

all i wanna say is 'GO FUCK YOURSELVES'.

.

.

.

.

i warned you once,

i reminded you twice.

and that's the nicest i can be.

.

well at least this time i lasted a couple of weeks without cussing or throwing tantrums.

.

i hate last minute jobs.

sometimes i wished that my parents had sent me to a chinese school,

or that JPA chose me to send overseas back in my SPM days,

or that i was born in a western country.

.

it's tough being a banana.

.

i hate being interested and being shut out of things at the same time.

.

stop thinking that i'm different than any other chinese,

at least i tried to blend in,didn't i?

did i ever ignorantly speak english to you when mandarin is one of my many tongues?

did i ever cut you off when you;re speaking just because i feel like your ideas aren't better than mine?

was i ever arrogant to you?

.

just because i'm quiet, doesn't make me an alien.

i did not grow up in a chinese environment.

i am a student of the government school.

i have malay, indians and PLENTY of banana friends.

i don't know shit about what you people talk about in your spare time, BIG DEAL...

you don't know what we bananas do in our free time anyways...YOUR LOSS..

.

maybe i should just give up trying.

emo...critical thinking..or pms

wounds heal,but scars remain..
.
hmm.
.
you know the feeling, when you suddenly feel all alone..
and the people you thought were by your side, disappears.
spiritually, not physically.
because humans,we're too affectionate to physically leave someone out of the blue...
so usually we'll stay by their side,but we're not actually THERE,
FOR them..
.
i don't necessarily believe in ghosts, although i'm fairly terrified by them.
but i believe in the energy we have,
contained in each of our bodies...
.
like how dogs know their owner needs them,
they sense their loved one's energy...
it's how animals connect to each other, without needing to speak.
it's how humans choose to stay with people they think they love.
.
energy, soul, aura, vibe.
.
.
.
.
.
i feel like going shopping with myself again...
they walls around me seemed like they shrunk,
like they've become a tunnel,framing the light that shines from the windows.
i can't even see the sun...
i feel...claustrophobic.

stupid ass.

i hate technology.

.

the other day bro gave me our old 5megapixel camera,

so out of the blue i found myself another reason to camwhore, but i'll talk about camwhoring next time..

.

i can't say it's ancient, since after trying it out, the pictures turned out rather nice...

very...toy-camera-feel..

.

BUT THE STINKIN' MEMORY CARD SEEMED TO HAVE SOME STINKIN' PROBLEM THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO GET MY HANDS ON!

.

the stupid thing telan my 300shots on useless things (like my face).

all gone.

it left me with 50 last pictures i took...

THEN SLOWLY ATE THEM OFF AS WELL!!!

.

so this whole morning, i spent my time glued to my netbook,

downloading,installing,running and deleting softwares i found from google,

trying to recover my 300 missing faces.

.

and i succeeded.

.

then i tried it on my mum's pendrive,since THAT STUPID THING TELAN HER PICTURES AS WELL.

.

.

.

.

i couldn't retrieve her pictures.

now she officially has no prove what-so-ever on the fact that she had been to Taiwan.

.

stupid technology.

.

no wonder my brother gave me that thing.

when you hurt your body,you bandage it,put it in a cast,avoid the injury from touching or coming in contact with anything in anyway.

what if you hurt in places you never knew it could hurt,and it hurts so much but you don't feel the pain.

what could you do then?

remember the time when you just hate everything around you,and wish to disappear into this dimension where nothing exists and you're just floating aimlessly in the dark?

yeah that's how i feel.

sometimes i just feel invisible...then again,i probably am invisible,so i should feel like that.

civilised? advanced?

i hate that there are so many demonstrations around the world.

i hate that there are so many new diseases,pain,bacteria,viruses.

i hate that so many people are unhappy with so many things.

i hate that everyday in our lives there's at least one of us that got harmed in anyway.

how can we say that we're so much better than our ancestors,

just because the battles that we're fighting today doesn't necessarily involve swords,bows&arrows and catapults.

w.t.h.

my post is too large to be published????
it was like...only 30lines long!!
what the heck is wrong with you!
i hate blogger today.

holiday

one month into my holiday,

felt like i've had too much of it already.

i think, somewhere in my mind,

i kinda knew this would happen.

some took up a job,

some preparing for the next semester,

some busy studying for examination,

some going on trips to everywhere.

somehow i still convince myself that it's not gonna be so bad.

i guess i'm wrong, again.

.

i can't blame everything on my parents,

since i myself didn't have much drive to stick to my point of view.

and i hate myself for that.

.

i sleep for 9hours everyday,

yet somehow i'm still tired.

i drew,

but everything i drew turns out wrong.

i watched tv,

it made me feel like an idiot.

i played with my dogs,

but they got too dirty and naughty to roll around with.

i plan to read some books,

yet never really have the mood to do so.

i'd go out,

but i don't feel like going out alone.

i baked,

then seeing the whole tray of dessert reminds me that there's no one that will be sharing them with me.

so i online,

yet there's still no one there that i can talk to.