looking back

sometimes i feel frustrated.
at how weak my body is,
at how hard it can be for me to understand something,
at how i inconsiderate and clumsy my words may be,
at how bad i'm at in not showing my feelings too easily,
at how dumb i can be.
.
always complaining.
why am i fat.
why am i lazy.
why can't i work harder.
why can't time stop for me to finish my work.
why does everyone seem to live a happier life than me.
why can't i get what i want.
why can't my parents understand me.
why must i tolerate annoying people.
why can't some people just disappear,or go get therapy.
why does the weather always suck when you're in a bad mood.
why does bad luck exist in my life.
.
it may be absurd or selfish,
but that's how i feel sometimes..
.
but then again,
thinking backwards,
going all the way back to my childhood.
.
from a mere daughter of two kuih nyonya makers.
a 700sq ft flat house.
.
remembering the one condition my parents gave me before getting me something when i told them how much i want it.
"get good results in your next exam,then daddy will by for you"
.
standard 4,
pendidikan sains.
not my thing.
.
standard 6,
overall exam results,
not very good.
while others are scoring As for most of their subjects,
getting all the confidence they can get for UPSR,
i worry about pendidikan sains.
C.
what will happen to me if i didn't make it?
Sri Mutiara..
i don't want Sri Mutiara.
back then,i don't even know how to spell St.George's Girls' School.
nor knew where it is...
.
and then the results came out.
20 students from SKPT scored straight As.
we were nervously waiting our classes..
deep in my heart i've made a list of my own,
those that i'm sure gt straight As...
and then my name got called and was asked to go to the staff canteen.
.
the next thing i remembered,
is that my class teacher was shaking my hand,congratulating me.
who would've thought.
Tan Khaw Lin.
a nobody.
not a prefect.
nor a star student.
who would've predicted.
.
form 2.
still not understanding the importance of studying.
my academics going steadily downhill,
and not planning to stop anytime soon.
.
2005
we moved.
from our crowded flat,to a 2000sq ft semi-detached.
a small familyof 4,with an adult dog and a little white female puppy.
suddenly having so much space to move about.
finally got my own room.
.
form 4.
decided to stay in science stream.
.
form 5.
eventful.
band.5delima.50th merdeka parade.
for once,my form teacher realised what kind of life as a georgian i'm living.
the very first form teacher that noticed me.
thoughful.
.
SPM results.
JPA scholarship interview.
form 6.
.
Grade 8 Piano.
STPM.
.
USM.
JPA scholarship.
chinese orchestra.
buddhist club.
dean list.
.
12/11
Loco came.
17/12
Lucky left.
.
who would've thought that i,
could go this far from 1Hijau of SKPT,
to the dean list in USM's School of Chemical Science.
.
looking back,
i realised that God has been good to me.
for granting me a life more fortunate than most of the children my age.
for giving me the priviledge to learn.
for giving us Loco,before taking away Lucky.
we would've been more devastated than we already were if Loco wasn't there to cheer us up when Lucky suddenly left.
.
back then if i were to attempt to imagine myself in the future,
i wouldn't even dare to imagine having what i have today.
.
i am grateful.
i am glad.
i realised,
i have a good life. :)