in the safe,in the chest.

some questions some people may have asked/wanted to ask me:

1)are you seriously this realistic all the time?

2)why do you distant yourself from people sometimes?

3)what's really in your head?

4)are you saying all this hurtful stuff 'cause you don't care?

5)seriously, why aren't you dating anyone by now?

6)piano,dogs. you're really gonna live out your life with only these two things.

7)you're quite a loner,aren't you?

.

some may think that i can be heartless whenever i want to.

and i wouldn't prove them otherwise...because sometimes i chose to be..

sometimes, i felt so strongly about one thing that if i compromise and follow the majority,

i felt sorry.

sorry for not upholding what i believe in,

sorry for not utilizing my rights as a human being.

.

other times,

i do realize that what i'm doing hurts others,

and i'm trying to change that in myself.

but changing,needs some time.

.

i don't want to be so cold all the time,

but in order to open up and be more, should i say, people-friendly,

i not only have to open my mind,

but to also open my heart.

and this is the part that i'm afraid of.

.

i can't deny the fact that keeping a fair distance from things helped me see things in a wider angle,

i can be more logical that way.

and thus the brutal honesty that i sometimes present.

but anyway,

being so used to be so comfortable of seeing things the 'logical' way,

i seemed to develop a very different way of thinking.

.

i'd also realized that maybe,

my mindset is slowly killing me.

so i will tone down the Simon Cowell, and implement more Paula Abdul.

.

i guess what i'm trying to say,

after going one big circle,

is that i realized that it's very hard for me to open my heart to things

and convince myself that it's not wrong to follow what the heart says.

.

i don't have the courage to. honestly speaking.

because i know how much it hurts when you pour out your heart and soul on a person/something,

and the others don't appreciate it.

.

i'm fragile this way.

constantly being insecure about putting too much effort in anything because if i fail,

my whole body,system, just breaks down.

.

with every mistake i've made in my life,

i etch it in my mind so i will never forget how wrong i've been.

all the bad things i did.

and remind myself how this is going down in my history and nothing can change it.

.

even thinking about failing in anyway is makes me feel uneasy.

.

getting back on my feet is another matter that i don't think i should touch on for now.

.

it wasn't that serious last time though.

the condition just worsen as time goes by and voila, you have the me today.

.

introvert.

everything i do i reflect upon myself.

i'm actually, not as heartless as people think i am,

because, i do think back on the things i did/said to people.

though i do admit that i feel less pain than those that received my bullets at that time,

these incidents, i don't forget.

every person i hurt, i remember and remind myself constantly to not repeat the mistake.

no matter how small the matter is.

.

i told myself to not think too much a lot of the times,

but i can't help it, you know?

it's became a habit for me to record these things,

and tell myself, 'how could you.'

until one day i just fell into this dark place in my mind.

why did i say this?

how could i do this?

do i realize what i've done?

what am i.

.

i don't trust myself.

i can't summon enough courage to trust anyone.

so whenever i'm in emotional distress,

i can't seem to tell anyone.

because i'm now too afraid that whoever that hears my problem confirms the things that is wrong with me.

perhaps they may start to avoid me then.

.

all the negative things just started to flow in.

and i suffocate,drowning in my own exaggerated opinions on the incidents that may be related to a particular incident that started the process.

.

to be honest, i was in trouble until the time i started writing diaries.

now i am finding the balance,

slowly,steadily.

.

still can't be comfortable enough that it's okay to commit myself to another person though.

that's probably why i prefer to stay single.

.

i don't see myself as a girlfriend material because first of all,

i don't know how to care for a person.

while everyone has their problems,

i don't want to burden anyone with mine,

as most of the time my problems only exist because i create them.

and they're usually very hard to eliminate.

and if i commit,

i might as well just get him a ticket to the Titanic if there's another one of this kind of unfortunate cruises.

i'm rather good at bringing people down with me when i sink into that dark place i've mentioned earlier.

and i have to admit that i worry about what he will think about me after a while.

what if,it's only another short-term thing for him before he moves on to another?

knowing myself, i will not be able to recover from it.

.

when all the lovey-dovey feeling is gone, you'll start to see the person as he/she is.

i don't have a good impression of myself TO myself,

how can i make a good impression of myself to others.

so,no.

i don't think 'boyfriend' is a part of my life/destiny.

not with this self-destructing mindset of mine.

.

these sort of things usually gets poured into my diary,

but i felt like i've come to a point where i realized that there's really nobody that gets me.

as much as i convince myself to lock it in and remain silent,

i know that doing so will just distant myself more from people.

and i blame myself for that.

.

i'm trying.

to not be a loner.

to learn to trust.

to have faith.

to look on the brighter side when i really should be optimistic about things.

to ask for help when i need it.

.

i just need some time to adjust.