cowardly me.

i used to think,

what if...i'm a boy..

what would my fifteen year old life be like.

heck,what would my whole life be like.

.

answers were easy..

i could stay outside a bit longer..

my friends would be a bit more hyperactive..

i'd do more reckless and stupid things but my parents would punish me and then concluded that it's ok,'boys will be boys'...

i would have more freedom to choose what i want to do in life,'cause if i ever got myself into trouble,i'll have enough courage to start over again,and tell myself to 'be a man about it'.

i would gladly get my motor licence and go wherever i want to go.

companion?

why?

i'm fine all by myself.

.

yes.

i'm fine being all by myself.

i just lack courage.

and remind myself that i wasn't born with a stick between my legs.

.

being so used to not going to places alone,

i have to admit,

i don't dare to venture out by myself anymore.

not without reminding myself that it's not really safe outside.

kidnappers. organ hunters. rapist. robbers. psychotic murderers.

i can't remember any of the tae-kwon-do moves anymore.

even if i do remember them, what chances do i have against a penknife or a parang?

if the criminal isn't violent, how about chemicals that puts you to sleep then?

that'll keep you quiet while they do whatever they do to you, and dump your corpse in some lake or deserted piece of land.

.

yes.

this is how insecure i feel,living in this country.

no matter how much i love it, i'll eventually succumb to the fear and move out of it.

i can feel it in my gut that one day, i'll definitely leave this place.

.

i want to go to so many places.

and i realised that some of these places, aren't really considered as 'interesting' to a lot of people.

so at some point, i'll just have to overcome the phobia and go.

doesn't matter if i'm by myself or with a group of friends.

.

waiting, and compromising.

it's tiring.

.

i'm also coming to a point where i accept how bad my luck is.

unfortunate things always happen in my life.

can't let it keep me behind.

.

so,

instead of gathering up a troop to go to a place and end up disappointed 'cause it didn't open,

or plan up something and then end up having to repeatedly postpone them,

or plan to go somewhere then your friend realised that there are more important plans that were made and had to cancel your appointment.

.

i will go alone.

especially in this period of time where most of my friends are having exams and busy with school and camps etc.

.

waiting gets me nowhere.

and my desire to fulfill my wishes to go out are getting harder to be contained in my head.

.

from now on,

i will go wherever i want to,

and won't stop only because my friends can't join me.

safe or not,

i'll have to try to find out.

i know how unlucky i can get, so i'll take precautions to keep myself safe.

and if criminals just happen to find me,

well,

that's my luck.

.

.

.

.

i've imagined how it feels like to be strangled sometimes.

some of the events in my life made me want to be strangled at times.

i guess everyone has that phase where you feel like hurting yourself to make yourself forget some other type of pain that you're feeling.

some actually cut themselves,

some tried committing suicide,

some took drugs,

some alcohol,

some smoke.

i imagined myself being strangled,pinned against a wall in a dark room.

fantasizing on how it feels like to suffocate.