i guess i'm just insecure.

i don't like making a lot of friends...
i can't bring myself to do it.
.
perhaps because i tend to get attached to the thought that they're gonna be by my side forever.
..forever is a long time...but that's how my mind works.
.
over the years i've had friends that comes and goes..the 'hi hi bye bye' sort.
those that pretends to care about you,but the fact is they're just bored and wanted to gossip.
those that doesn't come to you unless they have some things they need you to do for them.
those that says they care,only to make you feel better...they don't actually mean what they've said.
those that gets you hope up about being a good friend,then disappears the next moment.
.
it's the careless-ness you became when they make you feel comfortable spending time with them...
then they move on with their lives and you suddenly realized that,'my God, i've trusted the wrong people again.'
.
i tend to go back to the same quote everytime that happens:
'in life,you're alone. you were born alone,and you will die alone.'
.
i guess i just know how alone feels like so very well,
that i hate letting myself feel that way again.
.
you don't have to be dumped,
or move off to somewhere,
or someone you loved died,
to make you feel alone.
.
have you ever stood across the street from your front door,
and see that the house right in front of you,isn't your home after all.
you knew every inch in that flat so well,
but you just don't feel like you lived there at all.
how salvation is so near,
but you're not allowed to touch it.
how the sun's heat hits your skin just right,
how the heat takes away the pain of those pink marks on your limbs,
but you can't enjoy the warmth it gives you when you're too overwhelmed
by how small you feel, how scary it is to stand alone,
how fragile you really are.
.
i don't like how you can feel warm and fuzzy in one moment,
then cold like the north pole in the next.