atheist, or buddhist?

been reading this book(still reading actually....'cause there are a lot of things that i don't understand...so it's a bit tricky to get pass some chapters)
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i've been asking myself who i really am since my teenage years...
am i really a buddhist, or it's just a definition of who i want people to know about myself.
"what is buddhism?". a question that comes to my mind so very often.
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so i presented this question to seniors/people who understands buddhism more than i do,
whenever i have the chance.
"buddhism is about finding inner peace."
"buddhism is a teaching to seek the absolute truth. no lies, no defilement. the reality of life& the world."
"buddhism teaches us to cultivate goodness in the heart and mind and make us better than who we were."
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eventually i stopped asking, since i've heard of these answers often.
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okay...so buddhism is about looking into ourselves,
repairing what was wrong with ourselves,
installing light-bulbs into our common senses,
changing they way we see things in general.
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so....then what?
i can't simply resolve to be a better person, and expect myself to switch from normal to noble in a day.
there is karma, i know that.
everything we do, causes a string of possible effect, whether it involves us directly,or not.
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i consider myself to be a decent human being.
sure, i can be nice,
even when a person is being unthoughtful/offensive,
yes, i could be hurt by their words/actions,
sulk a little,
then move on with my life.
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i can work hard.
academics, projects, co-curriculum stuff.
commitment isn't a big problem for me,
'cause when you truly like to do something, passionate about it,
commitment comes naturally.
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but like everyone else, i have a limit.
put me in a crowded+noisy room, i'll eventually get annoyed.
put me in a insect infested place, i'll eventually lose my patience and start exterminating bugs.
give me too much work, too much requirements, then give me an impossibly short time to complete them, my products won't turn out to be good.
how to follow the 5precepts the whole timmmeee......yor.
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what i've understood about buddhists so far,
is that they're logical.
if you can't accept the theory, investigate.
there's a good and bad side in things.
no point getting too attached to something, eventually it'll be gone anyway.
do good, avoid evil, purify the mind.
they probably understood the teaching very well.
the 4noble truth, 5precepts, noble 8fold path.
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well obviously i'm not up to that level of understanding yet.
sure, all those things made perfect sense to me,
i mean, it's like those nilai-nilai murni that we learnt from moral classes,
we should be good....we should be understanding...we should be patient....
honestly, sometimes i think: "yeah i know what's right and wrong, but you're not going through the same situations as i am...you can't just come and tell me to 'be nice and understanding' just because it's the right thing to do. i would've done that if i could,don't you think?"
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so again, i question, how much buddhist-y am i,
since i know the teachings,
i try to practice them as much as i can,
but occasionally i would stray away from the values taught.
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what next?
meditation.
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annoother thing that i don't understand.
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what is concentrating your mind?
what is stopping your mind from thinking?
why is that after you've gotten your mind to that state where you stopped thinking about random things, you're temporarily at peace, then you contemplate about the real problems that bothers your heart? isn't that thinking as well? you're simply concentrating on one subject, and eliminate all the other useless thoughts.
why is meditation=let your mind rest, but at the same time meditation= contemplating and realizing the truth about a specific topic?
what is meditation, really.
what is it for?
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i can think about one thing at a time, concentrating on one single matter that concerns me,
but i don't necessarily have to meditate to do that..
i could do it simply by spacing out O.o
so...am i meditating sub-consciously then?
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i can close my eyes, and stop thinking for a while,
empty my mind and stuff.
rest.
but is that considered meditating as well?
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why is that some people can meditate for hours?
what is actually going on in their minds when they meditate?
if they're not really thinking about anything, and mostly just resting,
what's the difference between meditating and sleeping then?
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i've heard about the benefits of meditation.
but if meditation is really as simple as what defines it,(resting of the mind and getting rid of disturbance in order to gain awareness)
why do we have meditation classes, meditation guides, meditation books?
can't we just sit in a comfortable position and just relax of mind?
isn't THAT meditation?
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how can we find things to be unattractive, but then should try to find something attractive,
just to make sure that we're indifferent to the attractiveness/un-attractiveness of it,
in order to prove that we're not deluded by the appearance of things/people.
(it's what i understood from a chapter in the book,i can't figure out what the author is trying to say)
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so should we be interested or not interested in things?
should we care, or not?
how much should we care?
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how can you feel pain and acknowledge it's presence, but feel no emotion towards it.
what does this means?
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my mind is literally sent into a virtual whirlpool, reading about so many 'deep' things in such a short time.
perplexed.
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so confusing.
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i'm not trying to be holy nor challenge buddhism here,
but there are things (many things) that i don't get about it.
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strange how i don't have this many questions during dhamma sharing sessions.