i can't be perfect, because i chose to be so.

i wonder if there's such thing as the fear of working hard...
.
whenever tests/exam approaches, i find myself feeling more and more in denial of the fact that i have to study hard and understand what i'm supposed to understand.
the closer the exam day, the more i want to avoid studying,
the more i want to take some time off,
the more i want to do other things,
the more i want to skip classes,
the more i wish i have more time so i can start all over from the beginning of the syllabus,
the more i feel like resting.
.
i guess a little part of me inside is afraid of working hard,
because what if i DID work hard, but my effort wasn't good enough?
what if i've read all i needed to read,
do all i needed to do,
but still my sleepless nights weren't good enough to earn me a grade good enough to reciprocate my sweat, pimples and eye bags?
what if i'm just another average person who does everything moderately well, but will never have any ground-breaking discoveries that will shock the world..
.
when i don't work hard,
i have no pressure sitting for tests.
because i already know that i'm not going to do well in them.
i don't know how to describe it, exactly, but secretly it did made me feel good.
there's a saying: no expectation, no disappointment.
.
i guess i'm afraid of knowing that i'm not good enough, in general.
it made me afraid of learning,
it made me afraid of working hard,
because by slacking,
i can always have the dream,
the hope that if i'd ever decide to go all out in my studies, i could've excelled more.
.
i want to always have that dream.
i want to always have the thought that i'll never reach my full potential,
so i can always tell myself that hey, i'm a better person today, and i will grow a bit more tomorrow.
i want to hold on to that tiny little speck of hope,
that i can believe that i CAN improve myself as the days go by.
.
what comes after perfection?
what comes after becoming whole?
what's more than being complete?
.
i guess, in a fairly disturbing, peculiar way,
i enjoyed being the person who's always making mistakes,
the one who always have that little flaws that prevent me from reaching the peak of my Everest,
the one that is always lacking of something.
because who would depend and have faith in such a useless person?
and who would put pressure such a person, knowing that she'll definitely screw up at the end of the day..
.
a masochist i am.
endlessly finding ways to escape from being satisfied.
.
i do want to work hard,
i just can't,
because my mind wouldn't let me.