evil

insomnia moved back into my life.
.
it's been about two weeks now, staying (helplessly) up till 2 in the morning,
thinking about stuff.
.
i thought about how even a short break can have a long term effect on a person.
how i lost passion for music and arts...and reading..
sometimes i'd even got sick of watching tv..
all day long my mind stays empty, my eyes quietly scan through the house.
i guess it's safe to say that i'm unmotivated.
.
some nights i got so frustrated and depressed,
my dark past comes pouring out from my secret chest i've buried deep into my brain,
those times that made me disappointed in myself,
all the bad memories of separation and pain,
everything came out, suddenly flooding and choking me.
i've had one of my many bandanas stand-by beside my bed,
should i have another emotional breakdown.
.
i'd even thought about everyone around me.
i realized that if, for any reason, i had to leave anyone and go off somewhere,
i would be okay,
because i realized that the fact is, i hold no one and nothing in my heart.
unfortunate, but true,
if i had to give up everything, right at this point of my life, right at this moment,
i would still be fine.
i felt that i have nothing to lose.
the only thing that i would miss though, are my dogs.
i realize that no one in this world is ever completely genuine, not even myself,
everyone is wretched and messed-up to a certain point.
and it made me think that maybe it's better if humans never exist,
and the world is filled with no other than animals to roam the land.
no lies, no drama, no history.
because animals live in the moment,
they don't keep their past in their heads,
and they don't have the ability to make up fake stories and pretend to be somebody different.
unlike us.
.
then i tell myself,'shame on you, for feeling ashamed of who you are.'
.
i know for sure that i will grow old,
and did everything i wanted to do in life,
and live as a fairly contented woman.
but i know that i will always have one regret,
i will regret for not pushing myself hard enough to open up and reach out for anyone.
and by spending my remaining hours in my aging body i will regret for the solitude i've given to myself.
because i see more bad than good in people,
i will always regret for not being able to trust anyone.
.
i'm gonna be honest here,
i don't see myself as a good person,
nor do i see much goodness in any other person in this world i've lived to see.
when i die, there's a big chance i will burn in hell.
and when that happens, there may be a chance that i will take back the words i've said and the thoughts i've thought of.
but till then i'm deluded, and i know for sure that i'll suffer in the unnecesary pain i'm inflicting on myself.