beach

i think...
i'm a beach....
if you know which kind of beach i'm talking about...
it's true,i feel like one...
i'm always frustrated when something unfortunate happened to me,
as if i'm not supposed to be condemned for anything...
then i complain, i throw tantrums, i emo.
and when you think that i should be moving on and forget about that whatever-matter-that-upsets-me,
i don't.
i key it into my brain.
store it.
lock it in my vault.
and when similar things happened to me again,
i'll open the vault,
dig out all those linked incidents,
and emo on them,again.
you can easily tell that i'm angry when words like fuck and shit and hell comes out of my mouth.
slurring,it becomes an acceptable behaviour to me when my head is stuffed with steam,literally.
*****
i have a relatively high level of ego.
i can't stand being humiliated,
i hate the feeling that i'm wrong about something
i dislike people not listening to me (when they suppose to,that is)
i dislike being ordered around
i hate people making decisions without consulting me (group work,especially)
i find it difficult to say nice things to people sometimes
i don't give compliments often
and it does make me feel uneasy when other people score higher marks than me in things that i should be good at.
i was never kiasu in the past,well...not anymore.
i get frustrated with my family very easily
i don't know why
maybe somehow i feel that they should know me better than anyone else (we're a family,so duh.)
but deep down,i know that i don't let them know every single detail of my life
they have other things to take care of in their lives as well
so i shouldn't expect so much tolerance and understanding from them
but.
i can't.
i know i shouldn't be that way,
i just can't help myself from hurting them.
*****
worst of all,
i tend to judge people.
i do that naturally,in my head.
to a lot of people that i've come across.
i know, you can't judge a book by its cover,
but you can't help yourself from commenting on what type of person you think they are based on the first impression they have on you...
and first impression usually sticks in your head longer than anything else that you found out about a person.
*****
honestly i don't know why and how do i ended up having friends
'cause even i can't stand myself
(hana hana i'm complimenting you lah, you very good lah, very noble lah, thank you loh)
*****
today,
i woke up at 6,
am ready by 6.50.
i opened my windows,
it was dark.
then slowly,
it becomes brighter,and brighter.
the opposite block(that's all i can see from my window besides three pinang trees,sad right)
turned from black,
to grey,
to blue,
then white.
although it can't really be considered as an actual sunrise,watching what's happening to the world from my window,
it's nice to know that the sun still rises at 7.00a.m. in Aman Damai.
it's nice,
waking up early in the morning...
tranquil.