21

i'm supposed to be doing my KFT homework...
since i haven't start doing any of it yet :s
and it's the last day of holiday...
i remember telling Meiling that i need two days to answer her questions..
that was....what,Monday?can't remember :p
soorrryyy Meiling~~~~~~ ^^
but then again..there are a lot of things that i'm supposed to do,
yet here i am...
.
should i be glad that school's starting?
.
and can you believe it,it's almost the middle of February...
not long after that,it'll be the end of the 2nd semester...
.
it just hit me,
the fact that i'm 21 this year..
gosh...
time flies.
.
my friends and i,
we talk about a lot of things,
and i remember that we used to talk about what we see in our future,
plans.
some wants to get married at 25 or so...have kids and enjoy the family life.
some wants to travel first.
some wants to adopt children and not give birth (me included)
and most of us,wants to be a successful woman in this modern society.(obviously)
.
but my point is,
we were imagining ourselves in the mid-twenties when we think about these.
and now,
i realised we don't have much time left before entering our mid-twenties...
.
you always think that the future is a long time to come.
that you'll have plenty of time and chances to do what you should be doing while you're still feeling young.
that you'll definitely be prepared when the clock strikes 12 and you turn into a successful young lady that you wished yourself to be,just as you've planned for yourself.
.
today i woke up.
i realised that i only have 4 years left before i hit the 25th checkpoint of my life.
you can't hide your wrinkles,pretending that they're not there.
you can't deny that your skin is losing it's elasticity and radiance.
you can't push away the fact that you look more like your mom with each passing day...maybe you even behave like her..
you can't convince yourself that you're still young and hyper,like how you used to feel when you're 17,all hyped-up on adrenaline and raging hormones.
.
where am i now?
.
21,
i'm starting to ask myself the questions i used to ask myself.
but now i think hard before answering.
no more jokes and games..
growing up and getting a life you wanted is no walk in the park.
i can't stay as that emo-tough-strict-fierce girl i used to be.
lets get real here..you can't think like a teenager forever.
.
be honest to myself.
.
do i want to live with parents forever?
no.
as an adult,i should at least try to support myself and stop asking for insentives from my parents,who have cared and supported me for 2decades..
i'm at a point of my life where i want to come home into a space where everything is exactly where i want it to be.
a space of my own,where i'm my own boss.
.
how about work?
i'm not a risk-taker,
i'll settle for a secure income with reasonable work hours and acceptable amount of leaves i can have.
i used to dream that one day i can have a career that allows me to travel while working,
now i just ask for a more peaceful environment at work,and have 2-3weeks off every year to fly off to another country for some time off.
.
children?
i don't 100% reject the idea of having kids of my own now,unlike how i used to think 3-4years ago.
sure,adoption is still an option for me,i'll see how things will go..
it's definitely not a must-have in my life,but if it happens,i'll be glad it did.
.
husband?
it's still a couple of years too early to think about it.
i'm not one of the girls who fantasize about the wedding ceremony since they're 12years old...
the white dress,the veil,the red chinese gown/cheongsam,the big,grand ceremony.
the outrageous amount of money spent on one awkward night where everyone gets drunk.
it's a bit too stereotypical..no?
but i've started the process of accepting the fact that you can't always stay optimistic and tough,facing the world today.
at some point,your system will breakdown,and you'll need a safe zone,shielding you from the storm.
but if i ever find the one who i think is The One for me, marriage will still not be a necessity.
put it in simpler terms,
i need someone who will be with me for a long time,
and someone who can handle me.
not the 'me' when i'm with my friends,my colleagues,in public.
the 'me' without the piano,music,doodles,self-control,common sense,tolerance.
the 'me' filled with everything i don't show to anyone i know.
the dirty little secrets,the hatred i felt towards so many things.
things others wouldn't want to know about myself.
simple,abstract things money and status can't buy.
not a contract.
not the word 'Mrs.', proving to everyone that i have someone.
.
i guess it's a phase everyone encounters.
when a strong wind just blew through you mind,pushing all the haze and cloud out of your head.
when suddenly the light bulb above your head just light up.
makes you see things in a whole new perspective.
a new,brighter light.
.
a point where you just know,
you're definitely growing up now.