a different kind of addiction.

you don't really know how nice victory feels like until you've actually feel it yourself.
.
i don't compete against my other coursemates to see who gets the best grades,
nor work my butt off just to see all ticks and perfect scores in all my test papers.
but i gets to me,you know,achieving good grades.
.
back in those days(...ceeyyyhh,dare to use 'back in those days' di lorrh... :P)
my only goal was to not fail my exams,
to not get any Cs...
seeing Bs and occassionally a couple of As in my report card is satisfying enough.
.
well that was before i've formulated my perfect study method(for me,at least).
before i found out that someone as stupid as me has the day when i can finally see the logic behind the theories and understand the ways things really work in our world.
seeing the light at the end of the tunnel,i believe that's how the saying goes...
.
being able to find the answers in questions asked and solving the problems thrown at me.
i can't lie here.
it feels pretty darn good.
for the first time i'm able to walk out of the examination hall and not feel regret,
and know that if i don't do well as i initially expected, at least i know i won't fail.
.
then i find out that it is very possible for me to eliminate the Bs and replace those empty spaces allocated for the 'Gred' column with As.
.
achievements i've got,
definitely boost my confidence in whatever i do.
i started to pay more attention in class.
take notes.
study the textbooks.
sit in front,rather than the back,during lectures.
organise my rough scribbles on whatever the lecturer taught us, into my Small Book.
reduce copying other people's work.
instead,try solving them myself.
if i can't do it(which happens quite often),
study the topic again.
maybe i missed some points here and there.
and try again.
.
which gave rise to my ego.
i start to get more reluctant to accept the fact that i can't be correct for everything that i assume that i understand.
my wrong solutions to problems gets me restless.
'if i could solve other questions from other chapters,why can't i master this chapter as well???'
if i know this part of the law,why can't i link this to the other part of it???
.
i don't see myself as the studious type,
nor the sort that can remember every single thing that i've studied and answer the questions accurately in exams.
but i've set the bar high.
A.
if i can do it before, i can do it now.
i will never let myself get below 3.00.
.
top of the class?
no, i don't aim for that.
it's a level too high to be achieved and maintained for me.
the amount of pressure is too high for me to handle.
.
it's actually more like a competition against myself.
breaking my old records,
updating my pointers with a more flattering, better looking CGPA.
.
because we only get to be young once.
we can only be this flexible to accept changes and facts just this one time.
so why not do things right on the first try so you don't have to look back in your archive,
on the mistakes and regrets you've had,
and wish to re-do it all.
why not do things right so you don't have to make excuses for yourself when your kids ask you,
'mummy,last time you also didn't get good grades in school wat...you didn't end up living in the streets also...so why are you lecturing me for not getting full marks in my spelling test wor?'