last night

i couldn't sleep.
.
so i thought about how much i miss wearing the sggs badge...
there's something nostalgic about the shiny little piece metal with the red and white school emblem on it...
then i thought about the carnivals we used to have in school...
horse-rides...face painting...ice-cream...small fishes in the bucket and paper-made nets...
spaghetti...chocolate-dipped fruits....pancakes...pizzas...
concerts...BAND PERFORMANCES...
man i miss those days...playing in that cooped-up-small-little-hall that fits a couple of hundreds of people..
.
then i thought about the band pictures i have, in my external hard-disk (is it disk,or disc?? O.o)
the ones the school's editorial board had taken during our photo-day...
the serious ones..and the informal ones....
maybe i'll upload some to facebook and tag the members...
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had a box of yoghurt drink last night, as my dinner..
i realized that while having a healthy eating routine at home, i crave eating OUTSIDE of that timetable...
i want to have breakfast at 7am, then at 9am...
have lunch at 12noon...some snacks at 4pm...
then dinner at 6pm.
for some reason i feel hungry most of the time,
and thoughts of delicious food kept creeping into my head silently.
(yes i am hungry right now)
.
i thought about how i used to be okay with taking my meals alone...
now i find myself trying to avoid eating by myself...
it's like some kind of phobia..
i wondered how did i develop such condition.
.
didn't know what time it was when i finally dozed off...
even my room-mate slept earlier than i did last night...(she usually goes to bed later than me)
.
then i thought about depression, and what exactly defines "depression".
sometimes we can just simply joke around and declare ourselves "depressed",
but can we actually diagnose our own sickness, without consulting a specialist, lets say, a psychiatrist..
.
turns out..we can...
especially in a country like Malaysia, where mental sickness aren't properly understood in the society yet...
.
as usual, i googled "depression"...
depression=a situation where one can't escape from feeling hopeless and helpless...
it's like a dark cloud surrounds you and you can't seem to break away from sadness and despair..
things you used to find interesting, doesn't seem very fascinating to you anymore..
things that used to come easily to your understanding, doesn't seem to be that way anymore...
the disability to enjoy life, or feel happy...something like that.
.
then i scrolled down to read about the symptoms:
1) insomnia/  hypersomnia (sleep too much)
2) unable to concentrate or find things that previously easy tasks are now difficult
3) feeling hopeless and helpless
4) can't control negative thoughts flowing into your head
5) loss of appetite/ can't stop eating
6) short-tempered, aggressive, irritable (more than usual)
7) consuming more alcohol or engaging in other reckless behaviour
8) have thoughts that life is not worth living
9) self-loathing
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i possess some of those qualities...
in fact...i think i have all of those, except the reckless behaviour and self-loathing part...
nevertheless i still have some common sense left in myself, to control it...
or i'd be dead by now...splattered beside some skyscraper...
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have you ever have so much emotions running through your head that by the time it reaches your mind,
it becomes a sort of emotion, so complicated you just don't know how to react to it.
the sudden feeling of crying, anger, hopelessness, difficulty to swallow your saliva, and tension.
i feel it, most of the time when i'm by myself.
.
it's a one-man battle...depression...
you can't just come up-front and announce it to everyone and expect everyone to help you get through it,
you can't rely on medication to stop it,
nor counselling to cure it.
it all comes down to how you manage to find the way out of "darkness", so to speak..
until then, i'll continue to control myself from over-eating and try to get more sleep,
and occasionally turn on my two-part-water dam to release stress..(if you know what i'm saying)
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