look at me, blogging again after what, 8 years? 10? can't remember when i deleted my last blog. but here i am again, trying to find my own voice and thoughts outside of cringy fan-fictions.
i'm feeling particularly emotional today; it's nothing new, i get that every once in a while. it could be a habit, or it's pms, or i just need psychiatric help (probably do). either way, i feel like i should write it down somewhere in the hopes that when i do, i might feel a bit lighter mentally.
i wanted to write it down somewhere where it's still sort of, kind of, public, but private enough to not cause drama. this is dirty laundry after all. this is about the only place i'd consider private; this website, and singapore. i know when i'm here i can escape from most things in my life, just like when i'm in merlion land. now that i'm here though, suddenly i don't know where i should begin and what should i say. classic me.
i'll just start from this morning:
sometimes i know when i'm slipping back into the depression hole. it's when i wake up, and regretted waking up at all. then i'd try to go back to sleep, but can't. so i'd try to plan out my day, and realized that i just don't want to do anything today. so i just lay on my bed in the semi-darkness, with my phone in my hand, scrolling through random stuff on the amino app. i grew to be quite fond of that app, people are kinder there. i still don't feel like i fit in, though. i never fit in anywhere anyway so nothing new here.
usually my dog, lola, would come jingling into my room through the shared closet from the next room and join me in bed. not to sleep, she'd usually just licks my face and then rubs hers all over my bed and blanket. my room probably stink of her smells, but i can no longer tell. i'm just glad that she comes to me every morning without fail, even when she just comes and finds a spot on her pillow to continue sleeping on some mornings. at least i have something to look forward to.
sometimes i wonder if she sticks to me because we share a common state of perpetual anxiety, fear, and insecurity. maybe she feels safe by my side because i understand her in a way words cannot convey. i did picked her out of the litter in my relative's house after all. she didn't look like the other little poodle puppies; her lower jaw juts out a bit too much than the upper one, and while other puppies struts around, finding things to gnaw on, she lay hidden behind a curtain, falling asleep by the cloudy afternoon. she didn't resist me when i picked her up, and lay so calmly and quietly on my lap on the drive home. she was so tiny back then, barely bigger than my palm. you know those fluffy pom-pom keychains you get from those fancy girly shops? lola was one of those pom-poms: soft, brown, mostly air and fluff. she weighed like nothing, i'd say she weighed almost as much as an iphone 4. that's how light she was.
she follows me wherever i go. even when she doesn't, say in some afternoons when she'd just disappear underneath one of the couches for a nap, she'd search for me around the house, just to make sure that i'm still around. then she'll lay by my side and goes back to sleep. she'd lay in a way her face always faces me, and her eyes would fly open everytime i move in my seat, just to make sure she won't be left behind all by herself if i'd ever get up and leave. she's the type of dog that waits for you by the window for a day, three days, a full week you're gone and if you continue to be away, she'd keep waiting until you come home to her. she's the type of dog that greets you like you've been gone from her life for years, when the fact is you've only went out to the post office for 10 minutes. she's the dog that without a second thought will jump out of a basket in a moving motorcycle and run to me when she sees me walking by her on the sidewalk (true story), giving up her only chance to go see the outside world (something she looks forward to every morning), risking her life just so she can be by my side. that's my precious bean for you.
which, is why i am sure i will break when i leave the country. because i will never have her in my bed every morning again, to have her by my side wherever i am at home, to have her watch me so intently when i'm merely feet away in the garden, watering plants. the comfort she gave me is not something i can explain in word: that feeling when someone tells you 'it's okay' and you actually believe them. that feeling when you're all alone in vast nothingness, and suddenly there is someone by your side, taking every step you are taking, without question and doubt. i don't get a lot of trust in faith invested in me, which is why i appreciate her so much for doing what she does and being the way she is even when i didn't ask her to be. we don't even speak the same language, nor do i ever tell her the poison i keep in my mind.
sometimes you don't need words to understand pain.
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