“...they were 20 something one time, they had to learn life too, like, nobody taught them the ropes. we look at them like they know everything, but they don’t.” - kristen mcatee
i get obsessed with things. ‘obsessed’ is probably a very strong word i suppose, i guess i should say i become very focused on one thing at a time. today i binge-watched this youtube channel, brandon calvillo. it’s one of the channels which i’d subscribed to for a while now because the content looks interesting, but never got to watching any of them until today, because reasons.
watching these videos got me thinking.
sometimes i wish there is an actual rewind button for life, and that i have the button. because life would’ve been so different if i could do and undo some of the things in my life.
if i have a rewind button, i’d go back and tell myself that i will eventually grow up, and be able to afford the things i wanted for myself. i’d tell myself to wait for a little longer, wait until i’m a little older, hand on until i can word things better so i can put them all into a book. because i have so much i’d like to say, but no voice to say it, and no one to listen to me. because who would listen to a child like me, who never excelled at anything at school, who never stood out. i’d tell myself to have a little more patience, because life will get a little better when i’m a little older.
if i have a rewind button, i’d tell my adult self to not trust in doctors who could not treat illnesses. i’d tell myself that these titles and ranks, do not mean anything except the fact that many of these people wrote a book that nobody will ever read on topics even that they themselves might not even care about, just to one-up anyone they could in the societal pyramid. i’d tell myself to not be intimidated by them, and have more trust in myself instead, and be proud of my own achievements no matter how miniscule it looks on paper. because the best lessons in life don’t necessarily need to be put down in words and bound in a book, that nobody will ever read. sometimes the best and most important notes on life are taught to you behind the closed doors of a laboratory, where you hid in a corner and slave your hours and days away on experiments that people do not really care about and would probably laugh if they knew what you were doing with your life instead of helping to change the world and cure cancer.
if i have a rewind button, i’d tell my teenage self to continue blending in with the crowd. being in the spotlight isn’t always a good thing. don’t doubt the potential the teachers see in myself, but don’t give in to their confidence in me, because it’s better to stay in the background and live life peacefully, rather than taking on challenges, braving storms, just to be granted false friendship and insincere support. i’d tell myself that watching my back is good enough, and that i don’t have to have everyone else’s back when they were never going to have mine; not then, obviously not now, and not ever. i’d save myself from losing faith in friendship and teamwork. perhaps i might even be more social than i am now.
if i have a rewind button, i would tell my kid self that yes, life wasn’t the most pleasant. i would tell myself that what i’d felt so very often in my childish days was in fact jealousy, and all that jealousy stemmed from myself not being ready to share. and i’d tell myself that it is okay to feel this way, and it was not easy sharing things for the first time, and that i will eventually grow up and be able to have my own space, my own things, where i don’t have to share anymore. i’d tell myself that yes, toys will get broken, and it will mostly be my fault even when it wasn’t, and i will be punished even when i was good. I will tell myself that i was never, ever a rotten apple, and that any parent would love to have me as their child. and i’d hold my little kid self, hug her tight and let my chest be soaked with her tears while i coaxed her back out from that little hole she’d dug for herself to hide from the world. i’d bury that hole, so it doesn’t deepen over time. i’d tell her to not give in to peer pressure, to be braver and ask for permission when she wanted cute little things and little mystery novels the book shop sold in school, that my parents would understand why i wanted them, and i didn’t have to steal to buy them and hid them and read them in secret. i’d probably would not have the scars i have today, if i knew then what these little incidents would lead to. i’d probably be a completely different person today, if i tweaked that small portion of my life almost two decades ago.
if i have the rewind button, i’d go back to every single time i had doubted them, and told my younger selves that they are but human, and i will always be the guinea pig, the test subject. i will tell myself that they are learning everyday too, watching what i did, and reacting to my actions, and correcting themselves so they don’t hurt others. i will tell myself that they do feel bad when they did something wrong, and even when they couldn’t bring themselves to apologize, i should forgive them, because their flaws are not burdens that i should shoulder. i will continue to embrace myself through all the times my world crashes down, and help myself rebuild it one brick at a time. i’d tell myself that even though i have their blood, i have their traits, and i have their temper, i will never be them, because the fact is i am not them; it is impossible. i’d tell myself to be stronger, to love myself more, and be brave enough to leave when i needed to.
i would tell myself to do well despite it all, and maybe, just maybe, they might be proud of me one day.
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