holey holy

recently i find myself asking,'eyh why am i so holy all of a sudden ha?'
.
i guess,
maybe 'cause i have not been very much in touch with my spiritual side
that any form of interaction i've made with my religion felt a bit, awkward and extreme.
extreme in the sense that i start to question myself,'am i getting a bit fanatic about this?'
.
then i thought,
i've claimed myself a buddhist all my life, but what have i done as a buddhist?
what do i know about buddhism?
why, as an atheist, did i claim myself as a buddhist on paper?
did i do it because my parents are buddhists themselves?
well, my mum is a buddhist, my dad's more of a free thinker.
so am i a buddhist just because my mum is my sole source of any kind of faith in religion?
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not many people know this,
nor did i put much thought in this memory before this,
but i was sent to a baptist church when i was young.
not because my parents wanted to let me venture out of our said religion,
but based on the simple fact that it was a lot closer to where we stayed back then.
so, being a kindergartener in the school, i was subjected to attend sunday school and learn about jesus christ.
.
i have no idea what i've learnt from that, (i was young)
all i can remember now are the vague memories i have about the chinese songs we've sung about god and christianism,
free stuff the teachers would give us at the end of each session,
and the playhouse and running around the front-yard of the school, playing hide and seek,
while waiting for my dad to pick me up with his old antique blue motorcycle.
.
christianism was pretty much out of my life the second i've graduated from kindergarten and moved on to primary school.
since then i've spend my years following my mum to temples every year with a blank head,
she would hand me the joss sticks, i'd swing them up and down lightly, then stuck them into the big bowl full of smoky joss sticks, ssssmmokin' up the whole place.
i never knew why they use 3joss sticks for each deity, what's wrong with 1?
the whole point of of the ritual is to offer incense to the deity, not suffocate the poor statue with poisonous gas.
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when i was 10,
my family was struck with an incident so upsetting that it literally separated my family from my extended family members from my mum's side.
my mum was unwell.
that was the very first time i'd actually came in contact with buddhist chantings,
and the importance of having faith in something bigger than ourselves and our family.
because even family members can betray you when the opportunity presents itself,
no matter how close you are to them.
and when that time comes, what are we left with, but faith in religion.
.
around that time,
i stole 81bucks from my 4years old brother.
my third time stealing from him.
i guess jealousy took over my conscience, because i can't stand my dad keeping a piggy bank on my brother's behalf,
and put a 1ringgit coin into it everyday,
while i had to save whatever i have left of my 2ringgit pocket money after coming home from school.
it's an incident i can never forget.
the beating, the crying.
'get out, go stand across the street',i remembered my dad telling my pathetic self.
there i stood for what seemed like an eternity.
pink dress, glassy pink eyes from the sobbing, pink lines formed from that balloon stick that was used as the cane, pink face from the slap i've received that faithful morning.
i have a problem with the colour pink since,
that only lately did i manage to get through the memory i had with that shade of red.
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when i was about twelve,
another wave came crashing into my family,
which led my dad to cut ties with his side of family.
.
i'd never had a close relationship with my family,
and back then, the closest relative i've had was my cousin sister who's 2years my senior.
so knowing that i was never to see her again left me dumbfounded beyond words.
suddenly i felt all alone in the world.
.
who was i to talk to about my problems,
when i knew that nothing is this world is reliable.
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when i was 15,
my parents purchased our new home (the one we currently stay in).
i got my own room.
i guess that was when my occasional breakdown starts.
a teenager then, with school problems, drama, bad grades,
the fact that i come home to a place where i was not to be too attached nor too obvious with the emotions i had.
crying in my room late at night with the lights off and my head under my blanket was a bliss when everything becomes too much to handle.
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just in case you're wondering,
no, i did not devote myself to buddhism yet.
but i did hold my issues in myself,
until one fine night in form5.
i wrote a letter out of anger, gave it to my dad, slammed my bedroom door and locked it (we aren't allowed to slam anything in the house)
the next thing i remembered is my dad, stomping up the stairs and banging on my door, furious.
the night ended with me, sitting in front of both my upset parents, sobbing while they gave me a long lecture about how selfish and stupid i was.
i still remember my friend Jasmine asking me 'what happened? you cried ah?' the next morning in school.
i lied and told her i didn't sleep well the night before.
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i didn't know what was wrong with me,
the insomnia, the depression, the embarrassment, the anger i had in me that i can't tell anyone about.
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i can't say it's my calling,
but i registered myself into the buddhist society in usm as soon as i knew it existed,
based on the mindset that i should at least know about the religion/teaching that i claimed myself to be devoted into for 20years.
i felt good after signing myself up into the society.
.
the first time i'd entered the edsg (english dhamma sharing group),
it was different. i felt different.
i think we spent the first 5minutes or so in silence, 'meditating' with the metta sutta playing,
before moving onto ice-breaking and sharing of our experience on what brought us there, in that room, to learn about buddhism.
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i like the sessions.
i like talking to my new-found friends there.
and i like how buddhism is not so much a religion, but a teaching.
i like how the teachings made sense, like science.
i like how good the activities made me feel, even though i've only actually attended one buddhist camp so far.
i like how nice meditation makes me feel.
so if fanatic is learning and doing more of the things that makes me feel good,
and holy is helping me to be a better, happier person in my life,
then holy and fanatic i am.
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and about renunciation and the 'nun' thing,
i can't say for sure that i want to do it,
after all, renouncing is a big decision that once made shouldn't be undone.
but if i've found a reason to head off that path at some point in my life,
then renounce i shall.
nothing wrong with that.